Provenance
An Introduction To The Madness That I’ve Been Consumed By
I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing here, but for some reason, I feel like I should properly introduce myself in case anyone stumbles across this. . Hi, my name is Rae. I like to make things. I take pictures, I grow plants, I write poetry, I love to DIY and craft, I like to paint,( Not that I am good lol. I mostly do abstracts.) I also like to make digital art. I’ve always loved fractals, I even make videos performing my poetry as well. I have been taking photos for over 20 years, my website can be found at www.myeyedelight.com ( Which I would love to fix and migrate but I have no idea how to go about that ) I’m a florist but my job position is tenuous and as much as I wish I could subscribe, I cannot.
For a large portion of my adult life, I wasn’t necessarily happy but I could deal with it, called it contented apathy. In October 2020 things changed for the worst. My mom was diagnosed with gallbladder cancer and I was her caregiver. Over 9 months this ruined the relationship between my former fiance, my daughter, and I. Best as I can tell, this all transpired because I couldn’t take care of them and my mom and myself at the same time. I’m not worth a whole lot if I’m not sacrificing myself in some way.
We finished one chemo only to be told less than a year later that the cancer was back in stage 4 at that. I lived at my mom’s house for 6 months this time. Taking care of her then too. We went to MD Anderson in Texas, and my Mom is currently in remission but we don’t know how long that will last. The guillotine is poised over both of our necks.
I have been flung to every extreme of existence. I have seen my mother in an urn in my mind's eye. I have seen her screaming in pain. Her and Ihave been verbally and emotionally abused by a dysfunctional family. That’s nothing new though. I thought cancer would have changed that but it didn't at all.
My Mom is the only person that's ever had my back. Losing that brings me to suicidal ideation because …I want to go with her. I want to lay down beside her and ascend, I want to go home. I don’t want to live without her. I have to believe in a hereafter. I have no reason to endure this agony of living otherwise.
I have been forsaken by most but found by a few. I have marinated in the most broken of hearts, and I felt the blood singing in my veins. My writing reflects this, and I will most likely keep the most profane and disturbing poetry to myself because I’m pretty sure I would get banned. I might get banned for what I post anyway because the feelings that I have felt are not for the faint of heart.
The love, poetry, and sweet poetry most people can get down with. The rest is more an acquired taste. The idiosyncrasies and incongruencies in my personality tend to be unsettling for some and I wanted you to take some time to explain briefly, how I got here.
Hundreds of smaller traumas have occupied the last 3 years of my life, along with the bigger traumas of fighting for my mom’s life twice so far. My entire world has been destroyed. I’m doing really well considering.
Writing is one of my coping skills, but it gets dark, It gets visceral, It gets profane, and long.
I am neither dark nor am I light, I am only misguided delight
